Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
