Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
