I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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