I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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