i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
