Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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