I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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