I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize