Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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