Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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