We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
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C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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