im having a threesome with these popsicles
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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