but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
