he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
