I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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