Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
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Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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