Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
