Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
