everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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