hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
