So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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