sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
