she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This baby is an asshole
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
