she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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