So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
