sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
