ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
