They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
this will be a night to untag.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
