I wish I could punch you in the face.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize