I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
