i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
