so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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