I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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