i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
