Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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