how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
