I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
