I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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