she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
