It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
