you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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