I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
