i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
