last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
