dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
