apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
