Its about making memories worth repressing
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's rum buckets o'clock
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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