I looked at my own cervix.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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