I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
