K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
