u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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