In the future we'll all be gay
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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