as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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