Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
