I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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