Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
